Monday, October 15, 2007

Meet Svetlana, a 32 year old nurse. She likes me,

I like this lady here is her email to me.

Dear Richard !!!!I am sorry that I write to youMy name is Svetlana Gerus and I found your emailaddress from " Kiev -post"I want write letter to your and want write aboutmyself little bitI am nurseI have no kids,I have good Medical education,Ifinished the both and Medical Collage and the MedicalUniversity in July 2007I have two nurse jobs inside two different hospitalsI love my nurse job and I happy to help to people andkidsI have no problem with money,because two jobs help tome work hard,but my heart very happy that I can helpto people and try to do my nurse job the betterDear Richard,I am sorry that I write to YOU your name"Richard" inside newspaper I cannot see your name,butI hope that your name is RichardI want meet somebody special man for building happyfamily with kidsI am woman,who is 32,I think that I already give thebest care and be the best wife to my sweetehartI not want meet rich man,I am not interesting foundman,who be present to me suvenirs or give to meexpensive clothes,I am woman,who not care aboutmaterialistic things and as for me it is notimportant,because I want meet somebody specail man forhappy life togetherI want meet my sweetehart I be with him alwaysWhen he have the best time and when he have the sadtime and maybe not easy time to himThen I want to take of support about my sweetie,takeof support and always help to himI understand that life never cannot be paradise if younot work hardTo building happy and harmony family with your husbandit is also hard affairI have no kids,but I be happy meet man,who want havekidsI like art,theatre,ballet,opera, reading,swimm andreading,study foreign languages and do hairdo orbarber affairI like nature and animalsI have no problem with money,but my problem is that Ineed have more free timeDear Richard,please reading my letter and I be happyif your answer to meTake care of YOURSELF, thank YOU so much for your timeand interest!!!!With respect and very serious,Svetlana GerusP.S. Dear Richard,please send to me your telephonenumber


Friday, October 5, 2007

"Okay, Lets Be" All of a Sudden, I Have a Fiance... I'm Engaged!!!

Let me introduce Lana. She and I have agreed to start on the road to our marriage.

She answered an ad I placed in the newspapers in the Ukraine. It was for actress/model to join me in LA with a 90 fiance visa. She emailed me and asked for more details of my proposal. I specified my plan and she emailed me, "OK, lets be."

I may tattoo that on my arm. I have to go back to Kiev to meet lana. She has a web site: I will write more about this as I swallow and digest it. This was my original plan. A two year plan.

More to come...suffice to say that I am back in the USA and I am engaged to a 23 year old Ukrainian actress. Oh my God.........

Saturday, September 15, 2007

Oh What A night at the River Palace

If I died at age 67 I'd have missed one of the great evenings of my life. Before this night, I was at best an agnostic sliding towards atheism, but after what I experienced, I think there must be a God because he smiled down on me and even though that probably shows he has some bad taste, I can't thank him enough.

Let me try to recount this night that dazzled me.

My "mate" the urbane Irish Joe is a boss at the famed River Palace. He had invited me to a private special concert to see Eric Bell and his band; a bass player, a drummer, and Eric on guitar and vocals. Eric was the lead guitarist of the band, Thin Lizzie. The show was held in a small, intimate, downstairs room. On one side is a long bar running almost the full length of the room. The rest of the room is filled with tables for dining sprinkled around a ground level stage.
It has a magnificent sound system.

There were about 50 people in the audience, many notables in attendance. Joe introduced me around. I love meeting people. I put into good use what I learned from my bartending days; if you greet people with a smile, they smile back. To borrow from Neil Diamond's Song Sung Blue, "...all of a sudden they're feeling good, they simply got no choice..." I ramp that up a little by trying to mix in a little humor and a friendly hand shake. The smile works as effectively as a yawn. You know how infectious yawns are. Sometimes, the humor falls dead to the ground with a ugly thud. But that has never stopped me.

I met Ciro Orsini, a little, full of life guy dressed in somewhat like hippy clothes. I noticed he had rings on all his fingers including his thumbs...expensive rings. I asked him if he was a musician. He replied no he owned Italian restaurants. He gave me his card. It listed 10 locations all over the world, I mean everywhere, with 10 more soon to open.
I told him I'm was from California. He said he had a restaraunt in Bel Air. I replied, "An Italian restaurant in Bel Air. That's a wonderful area. You know Ciro, I used to be Italian"
That puzzled him until I explained that shit happens.

I met a couple of musicians. The tall one had two of his CD's in hand. Later Joe told me he's the lead singer in his band. His wife is the daughter of Ukraine's prime minister. The smaller one is a guitar player in the band. They are both handsome young men.
I told these two musicians that I play piano. I said, "They call me to play when they want to clear the room." We all laughed at that.

I met Ray the talent coordinator for the Club. He is a tall well dressed English chap, quite pleasant, friendly and focused. He said that Steven Seagal was to show up there and jam with Eric, but he had just arrived from the states and was dead to the world with jet lag, etc.

I didn't know the Steven Seagal was a highly talented guitar player. He has his own band. Eric said he talked Steven into briefly showing up at the River Palace for some photo ops, but he was too beat to play.
I told Ray and Joe that I wanted to meet Steven because 20 years ago, my son in law, Sean was a pupil at his dojo in Hollywood. Sean and my beautiful daughter Ramsey used to visit him and his then wife, Kelly Le Brock at their ranch in Santa Barbara.

I arrived at the nightclub at 10 pm and ordered dinner. The anticipation was high for Steven Seagal. At 11 Joe tells me that Steven Seagal arrived. He was sitting, wedged in a corner near the exit with a beautiful Asian lady at his right.
I watched with Joe as about 10 people were ushered through the narrow aisle to sit next to Steven for photos. Steven sat with his arms folded, never speaking to the person posing with him. He looked unhappy. He was scowling at the camera. Joe was with me for a while but decided it was too much of a hassle to even get near the guy, too crowded, too many (I quote a Mick Jagger song,) "Star Fuckers." Joe left.

Not me, I am resolute, besides I felt sorry for the guy. It was like his head was elsewhere, and the lady on his right looked bored and unhappy.
All of a sudden it was over. No more photos! There were three or four people shooting pictures, but the main photographer was leaving. Steven had enough. He got up to leave, his lady dutifully following behind him. He was wedging his way out the narrow aisle, the trail that everyone walked to get to him.

Well, dear reader, guess who was blocking that aisle? That's right. Yours truly. I had been pushed back, back, but now there was an opening. I sliced in like OJ going through a hole during his football days. I stopped Steven halfway through his exit. This is a big guy or was he standing on a ledge that I couldn't see?
Hey, I'm big guy, 6' 2" ok, maybe I shrunk a bit, but he towered over me. He must be at least 6' 5" and wide. I was shocked at his size. Jeez, what was I in for? A boot to the head???
I don't think Ray, the affable talent coordinator, was happy with my intervention. Steven seemed to be glaring at someone... me?

Now, I know that only a few of you have read all my entries to this blog. Please understand that I'm really writing a non fiction book of my life. When I get to some ugly parts about me and the women in my life, I'll probably call it " My Confessions" Suffice to say that today I'm a humanitarian who loves people and wants to be loved...probably because a love of my life hates me.

"Steven" I say, looking up at him. "Remember in 1990 you had the dojo on La Cienaga? My son in law, Sean Dawson was one of you students"
Well after a split second, his face lit up. He said, "Sure I remember Sean...and Ramsey. How are they?" Where do they live now?"
We conversed about Sean and Ramsey for a bit. He remembered that Sean was a black belt. He introduced me to the beautiful Asian lady explaining to her about his dojo back then, etc. I gave her the big smile and shook her hand. Of course she smiled back. We were all happy.
Meanwhile, Ray went and found the main photographer and to my glee, we had some pictures taken. I can't wait to see them. I was told they will be in a magazine somewhere. I'll post the photos when I receive them. I'm anxious to see if Steven is still glaring at the camera. After all, he is an action adventure star.

When I said to Steven, "Ramsey and Sean love you , Steven".
He said he also loved them. Then he said wistfully, "I wish I married Ramsey!!"
I said, "I wish you married Ramsey. Then I'd be your father-in-law!"(Dear Sean,I never meant that. I love you. You are a wonderful husband to Ramsey. A super dad to the boys. It was a bad joke. Bite my freaking tongue) Our pleasant meeting was ending. I enthusiastically shook his massive hand. And as Steven and his lady passed by me he said in his movie voice, "Tell them to keep in touch."

Dear reader, Steven left a lot happier than he was before I jumped into the fray. I felt good about the whole thing, like Mother Teresa probably felt...before she died.

But that was only one part of this fabulous evening, a warm up to the incredible talent that I witnessed from no more than ten feet away. I talking about Eric Bell. This guy is fantastic, amazing, not to be believed. He came on at midnight and played non stop for 90 minutes. He sings in a high voice, his tonal inflection perfectly suited for the blues songs he performed. But it's his guitar playing that continued to blow me away. With every song he offered something different. He could make that instrument sound like train whistles, or human cries, weeping and suffering. But he didn't just play the blues. He could pound out Rock and Roll like you wouldn't believe. On some songs he used a slide on his fourth finger and still managed incredible riffs with his other fingers.

The guy is sixty years old and he repeatidly electrified the audience. What a talent! God blessed him with those fingers. I've been to many concerts. I can't imagine anyone playing any better. He played all different styles. Each song was the best of the set. How can that be? I swear to that same God that made him, he is the right handed, white, Jimi Hendrix...still with us.
His bass player and drummer blended beautifully with him.

What a night to remember. I have goose bumps writing this. Was he greatly inspired to perform this way? Is this his normal talent, just another concert?
Anyway, I have to go and burn my guitar.

After the concert, Joe introduced me to Eric. I was raving to him. When he asked me how I liked the concert. I replied with great enthusiasm, "How did I like it? For Christ sake, I peaked 23 times!" He said, "You should have peaked 24 times!" He is a better musician than a comedian, although I almost fell over with laughter." What a talent!

Now it was about 2 am so I headed upstairs to the casino for a little blackjack. And to top off the evening, I won $365.00. And now I'll sit here and relive it all over again and again and again (repeat and fade)

Friday, September 14, 2007

A New Lady to Consider, She's Olechka from Latvia, 49 y.o.

Latvia, I could be big in Latvia. At 49, I'm still almost two decades her senior. As a matter of fact I have a birthday coming up and I wrote this email some friends. It shows how full of shit I am. I could have said it in four words: I'm having another birthday. instead I wrote the following:

Dear Boys,
Suddenly, I peer into real life and I notice that in a mere two weeks I will have completed my penultimate year as a sexagenarian and I'll be commencing, here on Planet Earth, the salaciously suggestive numbered 69th year...69... a double entendre integer if ever there were one.

The thought has occurred to me that I should stop traveling around the world chasing young women, etc. That I'm too old to be living this untamed, disorderly life. . Perhaps it's time I enter adulthood with it's requisite appropriate stability and routine.
But unfortunately it was only a fleeting thought. It seems that those cryptic forces that direct me in my life adventures are stubbornly resistant to that common sensical idea.

Oh well. As the Red Sox fans used to say and the Cubbies' fans still say, "Maybe next year."

Love Richie

All these ladies that contact me are simply confusing me. My dearest, oldest friends advise me to return to LA and find a fortyish divorcee, preferable one who is wealthy and plays golf.
These are suggestions to be considered.
I am currently between fortunes and my constant golf cry on the golf course is >"Where is the nearest bowling alley?"strong>

Of course when I last played, it was with two dentists, is it a surprise that they kept shouting after each iron shot, "Bite! Bite!"

Okay, enough bad, but true jokes. I am trying to enlist the services of a professional video taping company in Massachusetts to tape my "gig" for my High School's 5oth class reunion. I want to be able to post it on this blog to further punish you, my dear reader.

Well I'm off to the River Palace for the special concert tonight. I'll probably play some blackjack at the casino there and if I win $300 maybe I can buy a wife. They are goooood lookin.

Love to all and as Roy Rogers used to close with, "May the good lord take a likin to ya." I always loved Roy Rogers as a matter of fact I always thought that my ex girlfriend that I am almost over (18 years now), looked a lot like his youth. Don't get me wrong, I'm a flaming hetero, but women have been my downfall.
After about 3 and a half years all my girl friends always say to me, "All you ever want from me is sex!!!"Puzzled by this, I respond with , "No. Not just you!!!"

Wednesday, September 12, 2007

More from Nasty. She still wants to write. She speaks no English!. Should I Send Her My Jokes? The photo is of Ninel.

The bolds are mine to ponder along with her three, no four previous letters to me. Speaking no English she probably doesn't know what she writes. It's no wonder that she does not respond to my often repeated question, Will you come here to Kiev or should I go to your city?"

Here's a question for her, "Are you a virgin, my dear?"
Wait a minute. What did Elvis say? "Don't Be Cruel to a Heart thats True>" Did that rhyme, Mr. Black?
Below is her today's letter, it has very little to do with my letter to her, in fact with any of my letters to her:

Good day Richie.
I am so glad to receive your apply to my letter. If you are ready to
build a real relationships
I'll tell about myself.

I have never been married and do not have children. I was born on 18th
of February in 1979. My weight is 57 kilos, height is 167 cm. I used
to change my appearance especially the color of my hair but now I am
brown-haired woman with hazel eyes. Prefer to wear clothes which suit
me. Roses are my favourite flowers and the color is green.

My native town is Pheodosia. Everybody says: "Welcome to Pheodosia,
make yourself at home". My town is situated in the Crimea. I like my
town. It is claimed that anyone who has ever been to Pheodosia wants
to return there again and again. You will be affected by the ruins of
Genoese fortress as well as by the beautiful churches, to say nothing
of its gentle sea. I want to tell you about my family. I live with my
mother and have two brothers. Victor is 29 and Sergey is 26. I love
them very much. My elder brother is married and lives apart from us.
My father was military man. He was killed on the military exercises
when I was 13. (She wrote before that her father is a teacher at the uiniversity)It was difficult to realize it but life must go on. My
uncle is serviceman too. He always supports us in difficult times.

I am very communicative. My character is gentle, loyal and kind. My
profession influenced on it. I am a nurse and to be a nurse is very
responsible work. I work at the hospital in reanimation ward. Medics
are always happy when patients are recovered. I carry out the
appointments of our doctors.

Speaking about my spare time I want to say that usually my job takes
much time but when there is some free time I try to use it in
different ways. Reading( my favourite writers are H.G. Wells and E.
Hemingway), cooking( my best dishes are cakes, buns, Ukrainian
knitting, drawing are my favourite occupations. Besides I go
in for sports. I prefer to play tennis and sometimes go to
swimming-pool. In summer I spend a great time with my friends at the
seaside. We play volleyball in the open air, swim in the warm sea,
listen to music ( I prefer different music from classic to pop).

By the way I am very romantic person who likes adventures and meetings
with different interesting people. Unfortunately I have never been
abroad and I do not speak English but if I find a man of my dream I
will go with him anywhere and will learn his language. It does not
matter that maybe you are not a superman or showman. As for me I value
honor relations which are based on love, understanding, care, sincere,
considerate. I will be able to do everything for my beloved and never
betray him. He will be happy with me and never be disappointed in my

My friends are surprised with my dreams but I believe that somewhere
my second half is waiting for me.

I hope you have the same dream . If you want we may continue our
communication. I would like to get to know more about you, your life,
your family, habits, dreams. I will be waiting for your letter soon.


I'm On Stage For 20 Minutes At My 50th H.S. Class Reunion 9/22. Here Are Some Jokes I'm Considering, Most Original and Some Modified-Purloined.

1. You all might recall we lived in a big house down on Main Street which is now a parking lot for the hospital. Well we weren't always that well off. As a matter of fact when I was little we were so not well off that if I weren't a boy, I would have had nothing to play with!!!

2. You all know what a Freudian slip is, right? You know, like when a man meets a well endowed lady with serious cleavage for a business luncheon.
He says to her, "Hi there. You look great. Let's go have some breast, er lunch." A harmless (Freudian) slip of the tongue, right?

Well, I was having Thanksgiving dinner with my wife and five children and I meant to say, "Honey, please pass the gravy." Instead I said..."You miserable bitch, you ruined my life!!!"
Whoops. Not so harmless.

3. I love America. I'll always be a patriot for this country. I tried to enlist after 9 /11 as a spy. I told em I was Lebanese, I knew Arabic. They said what do you know?
I searched my brain and said, "I know La 'moutic intah. I know it means I''ll kill you. My mother said it all the time... when she threw her shoe at me..."
They said, "Get the fuck out of here"!!!.

4. I tried many times to quit smoking. It causes the condition that starts with a "P'? Uh what's it called? Um, uh??? Oh I know, PREMATURE DEATH"..

I tried so many different ways to quit. I even tried the patch. Anyone here used the patch? It worked? Really,that's great.
Well it didn't work for me. I think I must have rolled it too tight... I couldn't keep the dam thing lit!!! (with a big pot smoking gesture)

5. You know back in high school my name was Dick , but now it's Richard.
When I got my first job in Los Angeles. It was at Playboy and I was still known as Dick then and the president's name was also Dick. So we had two Dicks working at Playboy. They called him the head Dick and they called me the I became Richard.

6.I have many more to consider, but I'm here in Kiev at an hot internet cafe and the guy next to me has big time European BO. It's choking me. More Later

Tuesday, September 11, 2007

I Write Nasty, "Come Meet Me." She Seems To Want A Pen Pal. Her Letter Below:

She continues to send me her photos. I like her looks. I wrote her a long email today. In it I asked her to meet me. She quickly wrote back. her text below:

Hi, dear!
It so wonderful that at least i take a letter from you, my Darling!
so,Do you want to know how my usual day is passing?i think that it will be rather interesting for you.

my usual day begins in the morning,at 7 or 8 o'clock,because i have to
go to my work! I didn't go to the university every day,because I study in a corespondent department,so i go there twice a year in January and in May to pass my
exams. but i should study at home,i study a lot of different subjects
such as maths,chemistry, biology, and languages.

after university, sometimes I go in for step aerobics,to keep my body in form.

So, if I have some free time, I go for a walk with my friends. we usually do to different cafes, to drink a cup of coffee and to eat some cake.

But for me, the best way for passing free time, is to go for the
picnic, to the forest. I love nature a lot. it's amassing when you
just go through the forest, and look at the special "private life"of it. OH!it's wonderful!!!

Also i like traveling but,you know,i have never been abroad. i
traveled with my parents only through our country. but I'd like to see
the world. especially Paris,Eagipt and Rome. but the best thing for me
is the sea,i can't tell anything about the ocean because I have never
saw it,but every time that i even think about it makes my the happiest
person in the world!every summer my family and me went to the Black
sea,and since my early childhood I'd like to go there with my

you know my favorite season is summer, because we have moderate climate, it means hot summer, and cold winter. you see,I hate winter, and cold weather. yes,sometimes it could be beautiful,when a lot of snow surrounded you,the sun is shining,and everything looks like in a fairy tale. but such weather could only some days a month,all another time the weather in winter is afull. that's why I'd like to go abroad,to the country with another climate.

i have read a lot about culture of different countries,and I realized that my country is not the ideal place for living in. I'd like to go to live to the another one, but the only thing that holds me is my family,I'll miss them a lot...but if I'll meet a person, who I can make my own family with, then I could go abroad with him. What is your opinion about my decision to go to another country?

Do you like traveling?where have you been?possibly, you have some interesting photos from your traveling,could you send them to me?it would be rather interesting to see them.

I'll be waiting for the next letter from you!kisses!!!


It appears that Nasty wants a pen pal, but I am here in Kiev fo only 9 more days.
I'll answer this letter with a pleading to meet...anywhere.

At least she writes me without delay.